I like to think that I know what I am doing when it comes to talking to someone new. I like to think I’m not naive enough to understand that people can say things without feeling something towards a person. I like to think that people don’t set out with the intention to hurt others but lately, it’s become increasingly apparent that I don’t know everything.
It was unexpected and spontaneous. You were interesting and had a fun, luxurious life that I enjoyed hearing about. You were motivated and that in turn, motivated me. You could say that I was hooked from the start.
I was blinded by you. You were different than anyone else I’d met. I liked your honesty and the fact that you never apologized for who you were but would still admit your wrongs. You held my hand and kissed me in public. You tried to get to know my friends. You made constant effort to talk with and see me. You asked me about my past. You opened up to me.
You led me on.
I thought we were on the same page.
It’s mean. It’s mean to make someone feel like they have a chance with you when they don’t. It’s mean of you to think you can play with someone’s emotions like that; draw them in so close, make them feel loved and then drop them like they never mattered. You may not think about it after, but your actions have consequences. I was left racking my brain for answers only you could answer, but always seemed to avoid.
“If I said or did this would things have been different?” “Was I too clingy?” “Was I not clingy enough?”
You pushed and pushed for me to open up to you and when I did, when I was at my most vulnerable state, you took that as the perfect window to leave. When people get hurt, they put up walls, walls to protect themselves. When someone lets you in and opens up, that’s no small feat. You are learning things about that person that they don’t broadcast to just anyone. You’ve gained trust. Trust that is so easily shattered in an instant. After that, despite getting over it and moving on, that person puts their guard back up and this time for longer. You affected that person whether you like it or not.
I can’t help asking why I was so oblivious? Why did I waste weeks on you, minutes on you, seconds on you, tears on you? You could get any girl you want and you made that perfectly clear. Why did I see that kind of honesty as a charming feature? Was I really that stupid?! You seriously care more about making money than being happy. You befriend people even though you admit that they suck. You took me telling you I want to travel, as a time for you to tell me about all the fun places you’ve been. You made breakfast…for yourself. You refused to go apple picking with me because you’re a “man” and men don’t go apple picking. You turned around and did exactly what you made me feel like I was crazy for being cautious about.
You wasted my time. Instead of hanging out with you, I could have been hanging out with my best friends and strengthening our friendship, I could have been studying so I could graduate with that GPA I’ve wanted, I could have been at the gym working on my spring break body, I could have been working my job to save money to travel and honestly I could have been binge watching Netflix if I so pleased. I could have done so much but instead I wasted time every single day on a guy who is just really scary good at playing the game.
I hope you get the job, the money, the life, the body, the hot girls who message you on Instagram…I hope you get it all.
But don’t worry; you won’t have another second of me being upset over you.